Blog #1 (February 15th, 2025)

TW: mentions of death and suicide
Since I'm quite tired while writing my first blog ever, I'm going to try to keep this one short. Keyword, "try". I've had quite a lot going on in my life recently, but the bulk has happened this week. The first part of my week consisted of my "realization" of me being transgender. Like, obviously, the idea didn't just instantly pop in my head that I'm trans, but it's the genuine coming to terms of my gender that came to fruition this week. While many may say this is a positive, figuring out something important about myself, I couldn't have picked a worse (modern) time to realize this. While the people I know personally would, and are, accepting of my identity and are supporting me, in terms of general acceptance, I fear that being trans is going to be very challenging right now. While I'm not afraid to fight for my ability to exist, that doesn't change the fact that shit isn't going to get better for me for at least 4 years because we have a shit-ass, pedophilic, rapist, billionaire puppet as a president of the United States. I literally just want to have my right to exist, but unfortunately, the fuckface in charge is going to make that shit much harder for me. While I'm happy I am starting this new chapter in my life, I would've preferred to start it years ago.

Another reason this week has been quite hard on me is the passing of my grandfather. His passing has been really hard for me to grasp because I really can't believe that it happened. While I am well aware that eventually everyone I know will die at some point, I never expect it to happen. It was especially surprising because it's not like my grandfather was in bad shape before passing. It's not like he was sick for months and then passed, or that he was quite old. He was 78 years old, which is old, but it's not like he was deteriorating at this point in his life. I can't help but feel like I'm selfish for wanting to explore my gender identity and come out to those I know when I am in grief. I know that it is a destructive behavior to feel guilt because I'm not making his death the focus of my life, but I'm finding it quite difficult to cope. If I didn't have the friends I do now, I don't think I would even be able to try to grieve or to understand myself enough to transition. I miss my grandfather very much, but I know that he wouldn't want me to dwell on his death forever. He knew he was loved by his family and he was quite a fun person and a ray of sunshine generally. I don't know if he'd support my transition, but at least I would like to know. I'll never know if he'd ever love me as a granddaughter, or if he'd always think of me as his grandson.

I don't want to write more about my grandfather's passing, because I fear I am getting too caught up in what I consider to be a "destructive behavior". The one thing I'll end off on is the trials and tribulations as a new trans girl. I chose the name Maxine because I think it is super pretty. I am perfectly fine with being called Max though! I do prefer Maxine, because it does distance myself from an asshole I knew in highschool named Max. The big plus of the name "Max" is that it is gender neutral, so it helps me on that part of my gender identity. I don't 100% feel like a girl, but I definitely do lean feminine. As I'm writing this, I've only only come out to eight people in my life, seven of which are friends at my college, and one of them is back home. My friend back home has a terrible memory, and he's known me by my deadname and gender far longer than anybody I've met at college, so, to help him with name association, since we are both big Call of Duty Zombies fans, I made my discord profile picture the "Max" Ammo power-up, so he can associate my name, Max, with the name of the thing. While I can make fun of my friend's bad memory all I want, I do need to mention how it's also challenging for me to remember my name and pronouns. You'd think I'd be pretty good at it, consider it's literally me, but I've caught myself using "he" pronouns referring to myself in the third person. I also didn't realize how hard it'd be to get myself to realize my new name when people use it. There's a bit of delay between me knowing the person is talking to me when they say "Max". It's also been a slow process getting to refer to myself by feminine things, such as "daughter". In fairness, I never really thought of myself as a "son" either, but I guess that's different.

I'm going to sign this off with some self-affirmations, just because I need to make self-affirming not feel cringe anymore by making it a regular thing. It also helps with the self-loathing and self-hatred (and dysphoria). I may not be a pretty girl yet, but someday I will be. I will not let anyone stand in my way of becoming the best me that I can. It will be very fucking hard, but I can do it. I will make it. I will not be another statistic. I will not kill myself if I am not accepted. There is only one circumstance I would ever kill myself, and that's a topic for a later date. No matter how depressed I may get, or how anxious I feel, I am a strong person, and I will be the best woman that I can. I'd rather live as a disgraced woman than be a dead man. I do not love myself, but I will eventually learn to and accept myself. I will eventually find a partner that shares the love I eventually will have with myself with me, and the same for me to them.

If you read all the way to the end, you deserve all the love in the world! And even if you didn't and you skipped to the bottom, you deserve just the same! <3!