Blog #3 (February 17th, 2025)

I lied I'm going to write some more today. There's a lot on my mind, so I just need to get it out. I'm writing this on my phone, so I won't write too much.

I went to the other show yesterday and I actually had the time of my life! It was so awesome, and the bands playing absolutely killed it! Unfortunately, that's not what I want to write about today :(.

Instead I'm going to whine and complain about how hard it is to be trans. I'm playing a double life all the time and I can't deal with it anymore. I already felt like I was playing one before, but now it's more than ever. I also now get why "deadnaming" is something a lot of trans people dislike. It happened to me quite a bit. I don't blame anyone for it, it just doesn't change the fact that my heart sinks and I want to start crying when I'm called by my previous name by those who know my new one. Is it to protect me? Probably, and I appreciate that, but it still hurts. Could they have just forgotten? Definitely possible, but ignorance still hurts. Again, I'm probably just being a pussy, but I just need to come out to everyone. I need to be called Max or Maxine preferably. I need it.

Side note, I also have a mad crush on someone again. It really sucks because I'm not going to do anything about it because I don't want to ruin their perception of me. You'd think I'd be on Estrogen already with how many times my hormones keep making me need human affection. I don't even fear rejection, I fear losing a friend, or having their friends perceive me differently because I asked them out. I don't even want to ask them out, I just wanna tell them how I feel, but I don't know them well enough to know how they'll react.

I also feel terrible because I shouldn't be thinking about this kinda stuff when I have a funeral to go to today. I should be thinking about my grandfather, or as I always called him, my Papa. I love him so much, and I miss him dearly. That is what I should be thinking about, but I'm a selfish individual. I'm supposed to do self-affirmations but that's quite hard when you feel evil for just existing. I should take a break from this until I'm in a better place, but I thought I'd give an update to just journal my current mental state. I haven't been able to sleep and I have to get up bright and early today. I hope I can get through today, and that I can continue on.

I will actually try to affirm myself by saying I am a strong individual. I will persevere and I will eventually be the girl I've always wanted to be. Also, there is someone out there who will love me for who I am and I will do the same for them. I will have someone who I can share anything with, and can cuddle, hug, kiss, and do the rest. It may not be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or even next year, but it will happen. At least, it needs to.

Thank you for the probable one person who actually reads this things, even though they are very cringe, over shared, and pathetic. I love you <3