February 23rd, 2025 - "Let's start from the top"

Look, I'm going to be honest, I was using this as an outlet like it was a private diary, and not like a blog keeping people up to speed in what's been going on in my life. I'm going to try to, as the Modern Baseball song "Re-Do" goes
"I wanna start from the top
Maybe like a do-over
Replace the voices in my head
With blind innocence"
Or the song "Re-Done", both off of Sports
"She said, 'Let's start from the top, just rid of everything'"
I am going to try to use this journal to update people in a healthy way to help with all the things I've been going through. No specific details, no rants about my life (except maybe in the "Rants" section of the Tangent tab!), just a simple update on how I've been feeling.

Is there a lot of shitty things going on in my life? Yes, very much so. But it's better to talk about them in retrospect than it is to ball it up into a bunch of hatred. I wish I didn't delete all of the previous (4) blogs, because I should salvage the more important parts, but honestly, this is a lot better than I could've written in my manic depressive episodes. When I'm having one, I should probably just stay off the Internet for a while. I have SEVERAL books I've purchased that I haven't read yet. I am partway into the second part of Dune, I bought Lord of the Rings before I started school in the fall and haven't read a page of it, I bought Uzumaki last semester and I only read the first chapter, and I just bought Seconds, the graphic novel by Brian Lee O'Malley, who wrote the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels that I absolutely adore like they are my children. I need to get shit in order and I need to better myself so that I can actually function around my friends and not be a nuisance.

What's been going on with me recently?

For this first paragraph, I'm just going to mention the recent passing of my grandfather being the catalyst for my recent spiraling, but the grieving process is starting to get a bit better. I love him and miss him, but his death is not going to hinder my ability to keep on working on myself, it's not what he would've wanted for me. It's caused me to get really behind on schoolwork, and I've really been trying to catch up (and yes, I'm using this site to procrastinate work that I need to get done, at least it's just before 10pm and not past midnight like when I normally write these entries). The funeral was a week ago as of tomorrow, and I feel I've gotten a bit of closure on that chapter. While I'm definitely still grieving a bit, I feel I can move on to focus on the things that are more important to focus on right now.

The other catalyst to my depressive spiral has been the recent realization that all this time, everything that has built up to this point, I am actually transgender. It's not like this idea just popped into my head, but I just decided to stop denying the truth. I feel like this website can do me some good by giving myself a bit of a way to document my progress as a trans girl from New York. I get to give myself a new identity and no one can discredit me of that unless they know me irl, and the only people who know I'm trans irl aren't bitches about trans peeps. I know there's an about me section, but I feel this blog needs me to re-introduce myself on better footing. I am Maxine but you can call me Max! (but also Maxine is a hot girl name, so just think about that). Pronouns she/they, I am 18, from New York, a college student, and a future baddie (I mean fr, if you start dating me that's a long term investment going to the moon ;)). I am marking the date February 5th as the day I truly realized who I am and who I am going to be.

The other, other catalyst has been how much I've been struggling being single. I mean, I'm bisexual and I've still went 18 years with no bitches? I kid, but that's how it feels sometimes. I only ever want people who are unavailable when I want them. Maybe they aren't though... Honestly, in retrospect, all the people I've been into I probably (if I wasn't me tbh) could have engaged a relationship with. A girl I know had a long-distance relationship for a bit, so I completely shut off my attraction to her, even though I very much was, and she's in a completely different relationship now with someone she met at the college we go to. Still probably didn't have a chance, and it might have been a good thing I didn't say my feelings for her because I feel like she doesn't really like me, not even romantically but just generally. That's probably the self-hatred though. There was also a guy I was attracted to, but he's gay (I didn't fully know I was trans yet) and had obvious feelings for a guy who he's dating now (good for them!). My most recent crush has been the worst I've had since middle school, and I genuinely wish I could gush about her, but I have no idea what's really going on with her, so it's probably best I get to know her better before I even try anything (and not spiral like a creepy lunatic about how much I really like her on the Internet for strangers). I think first in formost, I gotta work on myself. The part that sucks is that I know that "love will find me", but I fear that it really isn't true. "Good things come to those who wait" well too fucking bad I'm an impatient bitch /s.

I think all in all, this website should not be so centered around my feelings and more about my interests. Yes, I'm going to try to keep a nice blog, but it's not a diary for me to write about all my problems, just generally share things going on in my life.

To me and to anyone who is reading this, you are loved are cherished by those around you, and there's always someone who will lend a helping hand. Thanks for sticking around and reading!

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