March 6th, 2025 - "How I'm feeling now"

It's been a little bit since I last wrote a blog, for better or for worse. My mental state is a little better than I was a couple weeks ago. I haven't really been working too intensely on this site though because I've been swamped with schoolwork that I needed to catch up on. I've been slowly but surely socially transitioning to the people I know, trying out more fem things here and there, and just generally I've been getting more comfortable with the fact that I'm trans. I still worry for the future quite a bit because I still have to come out to my dad, who's not exactly keen on trans people. The issue is that I can't hide this forever, and I'm not in a state where I can live on my own to help explore my identity. I could just try to hide it but when I go back for summer break I'm gonna have to hide it the entire damn month. I also will have to fully move out of my dorm then, including all of the girl-related things I have currently and will get in the near future, and go back home, and it'll be hard to hide that stuff. I also don't think I can go another three months not getting to try makeup, clothes, etc. I won't have the privacy that I currently have and I will have to wait for the entirety of my summer break. I also need to come out to my friends back home, but that is going to hurt my soul quite a bit, as I have reasonable fear of how they'll react. If I lose my friends back home over this, I'm completely fucked. It sucks that just a part of me feels like a complete curse.

I'm very fortunate to have very supportive friends at my college giving me advice (and makeup :D). I recently went to a show wearing makeup (that a friend of mine did, I'm pretty shit at it still) and a skirt. It was very scary, but it felt really nice to be presenting more fem for once. I was absolutely terrified going to the show because I had to take the bus alone, which in itself is something I'm scared to do, but now imagine someone who doesn't pass very well wearing makeup and a skirt traveling on public transport at night. It also was very eye-opening seeing how little of a fuck the majority of people give to their surroundings. It was nice that literally no one acknowledged my existence, as I imagine most people completely tune out the people in the background. However, there were these two really annoying girls on the bus, and one of them eventually caught on to me, whispered something to her friend, and then her friend looked back at me. Honestly, FUCK those people, they were absolutely obnoxious on the bus, I don't really give a fuck what they think about me, they can get run over for all I care.

I will say, the show was really fire, and a friend of mine donated some of her makeup to me at that show, which is quite nice of her! The actual unseen issues with wearing fem clothes though... no fucking pockets. I had to bring my entire bookbag (I don't have a carrier bag or anything of the sort) with me to have somewhere to put my stuff. Also, I did not pick a very good day to not wear pants and a heavier coat. Heading back from the show and waiting for the bus in less than 20 degree weather wasn't fun, especially since it decided to snow! I am pretty sure the cold I have right now is because of that trip, which really sucks.

I'm trying to stay positive about things, but unfortunately, having a cold makes me feel like I'm actually dying when it peaks. I am also yearning for human connection, which is quite bad timing when I'm sick right now :(.

Also I started really practicing guitar again and I'm definitely getting better at that. Anyway, goodbye.

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