March 21st, 2025 - "You can't always get what you want"

TW: mentions of depression and suicide

Maybe sometimes telling people how you feel isn't always a net positive. Now this sounds like I'm talking about relationship problems, but that is NOT the case. Instead I am talking about my mom's reaction to me being trans...

Life genuinely sucks sometimes. Yes, I know the Rolling Stones song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" the follow up lyric is "but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need", but I think in this instance, this was not the outcome.

While I'd like to keep things positive, it's moments like this that genuinely make me feel like shit. For context, I merely brought up how I feel about being trans, and I did it in a stupid way, as always. I love when I overthink things so much to the point where what I end up saying is worse than what I would've in the first place. I just asked simply, "How should I go about transitioning and coming out" to her in the car, on my way home from *not* getting a piercing (story for another time, I was going to get a piercing, but things didn't quite work out today). Already I was a bit bummed, but her response is the type of shit that actually makes me want to die. She started to say literally everything I feared she would say when I first told her about me being trans.

To summarize what she said without having a mental breakdown in the process, she basically said I've shown no signs to why I'm trans, and that it's likely because of the people I hangout with. There's a fucking reason I keep her in the dark, and that's because any singular time I ever try to express myself in a way she doesn't like, I get suppressed. Maybe I haven't acted a certain way because I'm currently in a household where that would not fly. Maybe you shutting down my expression of my gender identity when I was an early teen had something to do with me bottling up my thoughts and feelings on transitioning perhaps. Maybe the fact that I grew up in the most redneck fucking town in New York, and proceeded to see the very few queer people in my school district get constant bullying and harrassment for being themselves. Maybe it's the fact that anytime queer people were ever brought up in a discussion with my father, he said some things that I will not repeat here.

She pulled every transgender stereotype out of her ass and then asked me why I was never like that. "How come you never tried on any of my clothes when you were younger?" Then cites someone she knows younger sibling doing that with her clothing. Are you fucking kidding me?????? Why didn't I try on your clothes when I very much fucking have, just believe it or not, I didn't do that shit in front of you in fear of your reaction? (And all I ever tried was like a bra for example, also, she doesn't even often wear feminine clothing, she dresses more professionally for her job, and she tends to wear pants and stuff).

She also brought up the fact that I don't have very many "feminine hobbies". Proof that transphobia is literally just thinly-veiled misogyny. I could ask the same fucking question to her as well. I don't have to have feminine hobbies growing up to be a woman believe it or not. Maybe just maybe, I could only ever experience things I was exposed to as a child, and since I have two brothers and no sisters, I never saw anything "girly" or played with any "girly" toys growing up.

It's even funnier she brought that up because I literally just wrote a paper for a class of mine that detailed my exact experience with being trans, and exactly how I feel, through the eyes of myself at different ages.

I think the worst part was the fact that she unironically used the word "woke" in a negative connotation. She said it's because I go to a "woke" school and I hangout with "those kind of people" that it made me trans. She even said that she doesn't doubt that I have gender dysphoria, but I "need" to see a psychologist before doing anything. Firstly, you don't actually dictate what I do with my body (she's literally pro-choice too, pretty ironic), I'm a legal adult. It also seemed like she really didn't like the fact that she was spending her money on me to go to college just for me to "not be getting an education", like as if I'm not participating in school. I'm catching up quite well actually, and I think I can definitely pull myself together and have a good second half of the semester. It makes me fear that she's going to start to refuse to pay for college, and honestly, I don't like saying this and meaning it, but I think I'd kill myself. Like actually. I would be stuck home where I couldn't be myself. If I had more courage, I would ask her if she'd rather have a dead son or an alive daughter, but she's so fucking undiagnosed bi-polar that she'd spin that shit on me and get me put into a psych ward.

On a side note, she also brought up how Trump is going to make it even harder for me to transition, like as if that's supposed to be a deciding factor in not transitioning. Yes, I know the fascist piece of shit in power hates my existence, I've hated him since before he was elected the first time because I saw through his bullshit even as a middle schooler, why would him being in power stop me from being trans magically?

This was a nightmare of a situation for me because she seemed actually pissed off, and I'm afraid of what she's going to do because realistically, she has all the power over me since I can't live independently yet. I'm getting a job over the summer, but even then that's not going to be nearly enough to pay for college, housing, food, and a car.

The only positive from this conversation is that I am more aware of how challenging everything is going to be for me. It's not even that my mom is entirely transphobic, but I think this is more of a tolerance thing as opposed to allyship like I thought she might be.

I think the worst part is that I can't go back to college for a few days, so I'm just kind of stuck in-limbo having to internalize this, as I don't want to bother my friends. I know I'm not the most important person in their lives, and they can't help me right now, so I minus well bottle this shit up like I always do. This is what drove me to suicidal ideation in the first place when I was younger. I knew I had to wait in order to even try experimenting with my gender, and now I feel like I have to wait even longer.

I don't even know what to do right now. I just have to take it one day at a time again, I suppose. I hope the next blog entry I do is a bit more positive, but it's quite challenging to stay positive when I look into the future and I am terrified. At least, I don't think my mom will tell anybody about this... I hope...

It's already hard enough to know that eventually I will have to come out to the rest of my family (my younger brothers will probably be the only few supportive people, and maybe a few cousins, aunts, and uncles). It's also scary for me to say anything to my friends back home, because if this is how my mom reacts, and she's theoretically on the more supportive end, I can't imagine if my friends were to be unsupportive what they would say and act. Also, if my mom acts like this, I am 100% fucked when it comes to coming out to my dad. It's literally so over tbh. I wish I could just live by myself forever and not have to deal with any of this.

I'll end this off with the only truly positive thing, and it's the fact that I watched Invincible season 3, which was peak af.

I hope my next blog post is going to be about good things that happen to me, but knowing my life, I literally cannot succeed without something really bad happening to me or someone I know.

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