April 4th, 2025 - I've no longer got the straight edge

The title really does say it all! I drank alcohol for the first time last night (I've only ever taken sips before), and I don't want to glorify it in anyway, nor do I want to bash it for being evil, so I'll try to balance things out!

For context, I went to a house show with friends last night, and this is the kind of place where 90% of people are fully wasted/high when they go. I went there once before, completely sober, and while the show was good, it felt a bit off, as I was like, the only sober individual. I wanted to try drinking for the first time at the show I went to last night, just for the fun of it. I wanted to see what it feels like to be drunk. I want to try out different things to see what they are like. There's of course, things that are completely off-limits for me, but I feel like there's no sense in not trying alcohol at least once.

Here's the rundown of how alcohol affects me (it affects other people differently) with some pros and cons

Pros:

  • Makes me feel much more confident
  • I don't care what others think (for the most part)
  • I am funnier (probably)
  • Makes me feel dumb (in a good way)
  • Makes me feel silly (in a nice way)

    Cons:

  • Alcohol almost always tastes like shit (it is literally poison, so it makes sense but still)
  • It is hard to stop unless I limit myself/others limit me (I don't have a fake ID, so that works out pretty well for me)
  • I am VERY vulnerable and susceptible to doing things that would make me or others uncomfortable (I get very touchy-feely with my friends, which might make them uncomfortable, but I'm unsure)
  • Makes me feel dumb (in a bad way)
  • I feel very guilty and like a disappointment after getting drunk, but that's likely due to my interaction with drunk people not being the best when sober, so I imagine I am quite annoying, and also I feel a bit evil
  • I start to feel a strong desire to get intimate with my friends, which is also part of the doing things that make people uncomfortable thing.

    Overall, I enjoyed being drunk, but I need to make sure that this is something that I do not go overboard with, nor should I drink unless I'm with people I trust. I also did not drink that much, it's just my meds I started taking make alcohol hit a little harder. I had about one and a half to two drinks last night, which the absolute most I could even drink on my meds is allegedly 3, so I'm glad I stopped. It also takes a minute to kick in, but when it does, alcohol no longer tastes that bad anymore (which is a good and a bad thing). Drinking also showed me how vulnerable someone who is drunk can actually be, which is absolutely terrifying and I think anyone who purposefully takes advantage of someone under the influence should be castrated.

    Other stuff going on

    Today I had my first therapy session, and I think it went well. I got to talk about many things that I can't tell the people in my day-to-day life about. While my friends are very caring and accepting, there is a point where it stops being a friendship and just someone I vent to. Nothing wrong with venting to your friends, but when every hangout is a trauma dump sesh, you need to seek professional help! There's also just things I cannot tell my friends at all, or at least, not without any guidance about how I should go about doing that!

    This is the rare positive blog, and hopefully there will be more to come in the future. Maybe I won't overshare as much when I actually have a therapist!

    <3 back to home page