April 6th, 2025 - "It feels so scary getting old"

Weird to do a blog so soon, but I feel like giving a minor life update. I'm at a point where I'm just gonna say "fuck it, we ball". I don't know what the catalyst to these feelings truly is, but I think I'm sick and tired of having bad days, weeks, and months! I'm in my bad bitch era I suppose. The quote for this blog is only tangibly related, it is so scary getting old! However, I am feeling good about that fact as opposed to depressed about it. Maybe it's just how i'm feeling now, but I think things are looking up (I'm gonna regret saying this aren't I?). I just have been bumping "Ribs" by Lorde a lot recently- the song is so good!

It's not anything major whatsoever to most people, but I decided I don't really care about the response I may get from others for doing this. I put my correct pronouns on my personal Instagram page, and a pride flag too, but that's not as major. This is something big for me because I haven't come out to a LARGE amount of the people who follow me. The truth is, I don't really care what they are going to say. If they ask me about it, I'll give them the answer, but it may not be something they like. If my close friends back home ask, I'll just tell them I'm trans. End of story. Of course, a little bit of nuiance goes into it, like please for the love of god don't spread the word to everyone you know! My family won't ask me directly, and if they ask my mom, I'm just going to tell her straight up, "this is how I feel, nothing you can say or do can change that fact, you can either live with it or we're both gonna have a really rough time". Haven't changed my name on Insta though. Granted, I've changed it from my deadname to "<3" for a long while now, so nothing's really different. My mom also stalks my profile tbh, she noticed when I started going by a shortened version of my deadname, so she'll definitely see my pronouns, but I honestly don't care. She acts like I already have sex-reassignment surgery scheduled with how she thinks I'm "rushing" this. Like, literally only socially transitioning so far literally doesn't affect your life at all!

I only have one major probably right now, but we're not going to get into it here!

The good things are that I've started therapy (I think I might have mentioned that, but if not, here's an update on that!), I've started medication, I have really awesome friends, and I'm having a good time being myself. Granted I am writing this from my house (I went home for my youngest brother's birthday, which is today technically!), where I am having to stealth being trans and solely go by my deadname and masc pronouns.

The more I think about it, the less of a big deal everything is to me. Like, I'm transgender, so the fuck what??? The fact that people actually care show that we will never truly achieve class consciousness or a world without governmental bodies dictating our every actions! Whatever, I'll cut the politics out of it.

I'm just in my bad bitch era I guess. Love yourself! It actually feels good! I'm like really surprised that this is the case. Like having real confidence in myself is a big boost of my morale and my self-esteem, and I'm actually enjoying it.

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