April 8th, 2025 - "I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go"

TW: Mentions of suicide, depression, violence, and transphobia

Remember how I was in my bad bitch era literally two days ago? Yeah, didn't last very long. I don't like making these depressing ass blog posts, but this is honestly right now the only way I can get this out of my system. I would cry right now instead, but my roommate is currently here as I type this, so I have to hold out for a bit until he leaves.

One of the literal worst case scenarios happened. If you read the previous blog post, just completely forget about everything I said. Not only did I not go through with anything that I said the second my mom found out, but it's actually even worse than that.

I've removed the previously mentioned correct pronouns from my profile, as my mom sent me this very awful, very scary text this morning. It reads:
"Good morning
I am so glad you had the respect for your family and friends before you decided to change your pronouns on Instagram and left me to be the one to explain it all for you. Hanging out at the radio station until after 2 in the morning is not what im paying for you to go to school for".

Believe it or not, this is not the kind of message you want to wake up to in the morning after getting a rough night sleep because your roommate doesn't know how to not have his girlfriend over all fucking night. I am still completely shocked to see this message and read it back now. I honestly don't even know what to say or to think or to do. Tuesday's are what I like to call my lonely days because I get as much social interaction as I do on the weekends (which is next to none). Today is Tuesday.

I feel just like I did the first time this happened. At that point in time, I felt helpless and worthless and was going to kill myself. So, now how do you think I feel? Slightly better than then because I at least don't live at home for the most part (except for when I have to go back :D That's be sooooooo great!!!!!!!! I can't wait to be more depressed again!!!!!)

While I'm NOT going to kill myself in the immediate future, I can't help but feel the impulse really badly right now. Especially since my mom hasn't texted me back, merely read my response to it. And I didn't do what I said I was going to do because believe it or not, I don't want my livelihood threatened. I love when my mom continuously brings up the fact that she pays for my college and continues to say it like as if they can change at any point and time as a threat.

I don't think my mother truly understands the severity of this. It's either I keep living MY life the way that I want to, or I take it away. Those are my options. It's looking harder and harder to do the former. I will continue to try, but I currently feel like absolutely shit. This is an insurmountable obstacle that I can't even imagine getting past. If it was the beginning of the semester, it'd be whatever because I'd have time. I don't have time this close to the end of the semester.

I don't understand how my mom doesn't see her message as problematic in any way. She KNOWS I'm depressed and have been for a long time. I don't think she really understands the stake of consistently treating me like a child and continuing to press me on being trans. Does she also not realize why there is such a high suicide rate for trans people? It's people like her's fault.

I feel sick to my stomach. Oh, no, I made your life SOOOOO much harder. I made you have to explain that I'm transgender, oh no. Poor thing. Meanwhile, there are literally trans people being harrassed, bullied, and even MURDERED all the time. But oh, you have it soooooo rough telling people I'm experimenting with my gender identity.

It's really hard to keep calm. I was supposed to be productive and get work done today, but I'm finding it challenging with the whole being depressed as fuck thing.

I'd say I need a hug, but today's is my lonely day, remember?

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