April 13th, 2025 - "You never said that this would be easy"

I wanted to give a small update on how things are going for me right now.

I want to say that my meds are starting to take effect, but who really knows? I say that because I felt more "normal" today. The reason I'd say I'm still unsure if my meds are working or not is because I felt very differently last night.

I went to a show last night with some friends (I would do a show review, but I still have work I need to get done) and for the most part I really enjoyed it! First, I dropped off some film from my camera to get it developed (those will be on the website once I get them back!), and then we went to Sonic to get something to eat, but my order didn't go through for some reason, and I had a bit of an anxiety attack for a second, but thankfully my friends are awesome and made sure I got something to eat! I also got some caffeine in my system, which definitely helped with the caffeine withdrawal I've been going through, causing me to be a lot more subdued.

After that, the show was really good! I finally had some energy after the caffeine I mentioned earlier, so I could have more fun when the bands started playing. I will say, I still definitely wasn't 100% myself last night, and I behaved very strangely all around. Firstly, I didn't really socialize much after the show had started, and I had a major mood swing after the main reason I went to the show (a band from a friend of mine's hometown was playing at No Fun, so I wanted to check them out w/ a bunch of my friends). The band, Selfish Act were really good live, and I had a good time seeing them, but my mood shifted very hard once their set was done. I'm pretty sure I went completely non-verbal until a bit after the show was completely over. I should've probably stepped outside and sat out the last act, just due to how poorly I was feeling. I just started to feel incredibly depressed and I couldn't really enjoy the last act of the night because of it.

It also didn't help that after the show ended, I accidently broke a friend of mine's necklace when we were messing around, and I felt so terrible for it (and the mood swing) that I almost started sobbing. I am someone who CANNOT cry in public unless it's a funeral, ESPECIALLY in front of my friends. I needed to step away for a bit, and I was able to compose myself, but I don't know how well I masked it on the car ride back to my dorm. I think I can best describe the emotions I was feeling at the time was that I felt like I was ruining a good time for myself and for others (not really true for others, I just was emo) and I got back into that feeling that all my friends secretly hate me and that I just don't fit in with them. At times, I feel like I'm the outsider in a group of really great friends, and I haven't really ever been able to fight this feeling fully. It doesn't help when I have moments like last night where I just have a terrible mood swing and feel like a burden to my friends.

I felt a bit better (after crying just a little), and had a nice time with my roommate and his girlfriend back at the dorm. I'm still very on the fence whether I want to tell him I'm trans or not, but I guess it will or won't happen in the moment. I feel like he's really dumb for not realizing lmfao. To get a little off topic, I have no idea how he's not suspected SOMETHING. I named my character "Max" in Undertale and when he was watching me play he asked why I named my character that instead of my deadname. His girlfriend also needed makeup remover, and I had the courage to give her some, and somehow that wasn't even something that was questioned all that much??? Like he had said he had never seen me wear makeup, but it wasn't even a question of why I would wear makeup or why I would have a slightly used makeup remover bottle in my bookbag!

Update: literally like an hour after I wrote this I decided to just tell my roommate and his girlfriend. I think it went pretty well, but you can never tell on first impressions (*cough cough* my mother *cough cough*), but I think he will start referring to me directly correctly, hopefully. Lot of adverbs there.

Today was a bit interesting, as I randomly had the motivation to go on an independent adventure: GOING TO WALMART! See, this is not an adventure to any normal person, but to me, taking the bus to and from Walmart and shopping for a couple of items is a journey! This is why I think the meds might start be working. I don't normally get the motivation to do adult things ever, but today felt a bit different. I didn't have those negative thoughts about myself for a bit, and I just felt a bit good actually! At first, I was just going to go for a walk after eating lunch/dinner (I ate at a weird time, and I ate enough food to where I only had one meal today). Firstly, I don't tend to go on walks, but I really wanted to. I didn't even know where I was going, I just decided to walk around campus for a good 20 minutes, before thinking, "Hey, why don't I go to Walmart to pick up wax strips?". I just on a whim took the bus and just went for it! I'm someone who absolutely NEEDS everything to be planned in advance, but honestly, impulsivity feels really good! My plans for today were entirely different from what they originally were.

It's actually pretty funny and embarassing how long I spent at that Walmart before realizing I was on the wrong floor for what I needed! I walked around for a solid 10-15 minutes wondering what aisle I was supposed to be looking for the beauty section, before remembering it was on the bottom floor. I was also going to get other things, but I'm really fucking broke right now, and I won't really have income until the summer, so for now, I can only afford so much. I got a Cherry Coke and a Hershey bar, which of course, was my girl dinner.

After that, I took a nap, which is irregular for me, but it just kinda happened since my roommate and his girlfriend were sleeping. I planned on maybe using the wax strips and doing my makeup for fun, but I didn't want to disturb them, and I just fell asleep. I also took a nap a few days ago, when I fell asleep playing Undertale.

Unrelated, but I might start using dating apps as well, we'll see how that goes, I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

Anyway, I'll just throw this at the end of this blog, and these are the plans for the site when I get a chance: