April 17th, 2025 - "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"

You know, I wonder if anyone actually reads these things. Whatever, I have a bit of an update on things I'm looking forward to, things I'm dreading, and things that I am liking and disliking at this moment. And no, I haven't seen the movie I'm using as the quote of this blog, I'll get to the "man with no name" trilogy eventually!

The Good

I'm excited for:

  • The show I believe I'm going to on Thursday night (technically tonight, but I'm writing this at 2:53AM and counting!!!) w/ friends
  • I'm finally getting a septum piercing this Friday with a friend of mine!
  • The social gathering my radio station is doing Friday night (bowling!!!!!! (omg a reference to the hit 2008 video game Grand Theft Auto IV featuring protagonist Niko Bellic and his cousin Roman!!!!!!! (they go bowling in the video game at some point and Roman says the iconic line "Niko, it's Roman, let's go bowling" in many phone calls throughout the game)))
  • The place that's developing my film to reach out to me to tell me to pick it up!!!! I want it so bad, give it to me already (I could've probably worded that better)

    Things that are cool:

  • My radio station did a metal department night, where all the members of the metal department did a show altogether, one right after the other for 6 hours today, and it was epic and awesome and cool! Everybody did a great job, and I was especially proud of how my set came out (even if most people didn't really care that much because I was the last one to go and they were all eepy)
  • I don't feel nearly as depressed as I did even just a few days ago, even with the amount of time I have spent alone. In fact, I'm actually getting work done, and turned in a late assignment that was actually pretty good in my opinion.
  • I have everything set for my classes next semester, and I dropped a class that I was never going to be able to pass, so some stressers are out of my life right now!

    The Bad/the Ugly (they're the same thing here let's be honest)

    Uncool stuff:

  • I'm feeling hella dysphoric, like much more than usual. Every time I see myself in a photo, I want to die a little. Every time I look at my body (chest, legs, face, etc.) I feel discomfort and a bit disgusted. I feel unappealing, unattractive, very masculine, and just generally dysphoric. I tried waxing my chest hair (definitely harder than I thought, but I figured it out eventually, but the wax was a pain in the ass and stuck to my skin too much, so shaving it afterward was a pain in the ass as well and I have to finish it off tomorrow. The only good thing is that nobody is going to see my body, as I don't plan on showing anyone obviously, so at least I can pretend that I don't want to tear my skin off and rip out the glands and follicules that allow for hair growth so that I can't grow any fucking more chest hair or facial hair or leg hair (arm hair is a little discomforting, but I kinda like shaving it since it's a bit easier in my opinion. Also, don't get me starting on armpit hair (I am an armpit hair enjoyer, don't make fun of me for it!!!!) or other hair (certified bush (not the one who did 9/11) enjoyer)!!!!!!!!!!)
  • Insomnia has not gotten better, and my meds make me sweat in my sleep like 200% more, which pisses me off because I don't shower in the morning typically (I might become a dreaded morning shower person (yuck!))
  • I still feel very isolated and alone :(
    The problem lies in me absolutely hating when my voice isn't heard, which happens quite often in group discussions where I say something to continue the conversation, and either everyone moves on to another topic and doesn't acknowledge me, or the entire discussion ends, so I'm just left feeling like I"m watching an uninteractive cutscene :(
    Also doesn't help when I (even though I know this isn't true) feel like my problems are one of one, and that nobody can really understand what I'm going through at all. I have a therapist (which I'm meeting with this Friday as well) for the explicit purpose of being able to say all the things I'm too afraid/can't say in front of other people. And maybe even a way of getting diagnosed and treated for my mental illness.
  • I have a minor concussion! I forgot to mention that I got hit in the head at that Saturday show I talked about in a previous blog, and I didn't really start to feel it until Monday morning! My head started to have a throbbing headache, and I felt quite nauseous, but I could remember stuff and I could somewhat use my brain. I will say, I was quite sensitive to light, and loud sounds (more than usual), so that's probably part of it too. I'll try to rest up and get rid of it htough.

    I'm dreading:

  • Going home this weekend because it's Easter, and having to see my parents in their domain. I have to continue to pretend to not be trans for as long as I possibly can until I'm able to be independent. They aren't going to kick me out or anything, but seeing as I have literally no power whatsoever (other than control over my living status -_-), I have to ride out this storm until the sun starts to shine.
  • Going home over the summer, since I'll have to boymode so hard that I might even just forget what it's like to be a girl. I need to really lock in and start practicing make up because it'll be hard to hide when I'm home all the time.
  • Coming out to my best friend back home, even though I don't think he'll respond terribly, it's just the fear of that information getting out and my mom or my dad blowing a casket.

    Ending on a more positive note:

    I had fun today, and I know I'll have fun tomorrow and the next day, and those are the thoughts dominating my mind the most. I'm looking at the bright side and very optimistically, which feels quite out of character as a die hard pessimist. It's not that I think pessimism is cool, I actually think it's lame and quite stupid, but I can't help but thinking of doom and gloom, even when the times are good. I feel like I'm heading in a good direction though :)

    I'm gonna get a job this summer, maybe even my driver's license, and perhaps my mom's old car if she gets a new one, which would be so awesome you don't even understand. I could be the one driving people places instead of begging and pleading my friends with cars to take me places (I still get bus anxiety, even if I know I'm capable, I much prefer going with friends because it takes the responsibility a little away from me and distributes it between everyone, so if we get lost, it's a little bit of everyone's fault, not just my fault. Also, if I get lost with friends, I'm still with my friends so I don't need to stress too much. Whe I'm with myself, I'm the only one to blame and I'm in the middle of nowhere without any rational thinkers to help me out!!!

    Anyway, I'm going to sleep. Gn gay people on the internet (I know what you are)

    <3 back to home page