April 19th, 2025 - "You're so much stronger than you ever knew"

Life has been hitting me with a lot of reality checks recently. That's the main reason I wanted to write a blog today. I've grown so much as a person in the last few months, it's actually quite impressive. I still make mistakes, and I'm sure I'll continue to, but I feel like I have improved in a lot of ways. I feel like I overshare a lot less now then I did when I first started the website. I don't mention every detail of what every person does or says to me, which is definitely a start. My interpersonal struggles are not something I need to share with everyone online, only the big stuff that can't go unmentioned, or rants about certain events that really shake me to my core.

I've had quite a few good days recently, but with the good always comes the bad, and I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself and the ones around me. I'm finding out who my close friends really are, and the ones who will truly stick with me through my rough patches. My friends have also acknowledged my growth, and I hope that I continue to grow into a better person with them! I want to be the best me that I can, and I can't do it without support and some direction. I feel like I say things that make people uncomfortable less, and I think I have gotten better at not trauma dumping at every given turn.

Therapy has helped a bit, and the meds I think are helping a bit as well, but I really don't think I could be half as good as a person if it weren't for my friends. I won't explain the context behind this event, but a couple days ago was the first time I've ever cried in front of other people (outside of a funeral), and it happened to be in the car with my friends. They were very supportive and they comforted me. The fact that I could even cry in front of them is a pretty enormous feat for me! It's unfortunate that I even cried, but I'm quite glad that I'm at a point in my life where I'm not scared to show how I truly feel with the people closest to me. It's also great to know that my friends don't actually dislike me, but actually care and want to spend time with me :)

I still haven't been able to, nor do I think I could ever really get over the feeling that people only tolerate my existence and don't really enjoy my company, but it's nice to know that I can be proved wrong. My friends genuinely like me and dislike my opps for mistreating me! They think I'm an actual good person and that I don't deserve to be treated like shit by others. I know that there are people who don't like me, and that's a harsh reality for me to face, especially as someone who needs feedback in order for me to get better, when it seems like I'm only disliked by certain people because I can be a bit annoying. I guess that's fair, but it doesn't change the fact I don't deserve to be shit-talked behind closed curtains.

I'm getting a bit off topic, but I just wanted to show my appreciation for those who stick up for me. To have shoulders to cry on is something I've only ever been able to dream of, and to be at a point in my life where that's a reality is very heartwarming, and one of those things that are going to keep me going one day at a time.

I went to a show last Thursday, and the review for that is up on the show review section of the page! I had a really good time at that, despite the mood swing I hit, but overall, I think I'm doing better than I was just a few weeks ago.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and I mentioned how I had a panic attack almost every other day for two weeks straight at the end of March. I just was NOT in a good place, with all the stuff going on with my mother, and my need for meds and therapy!

Last night, the radio station had a bowling event (the second one since I've become a DJ) and I had a ton of fun at that. We did moonlight bowling, so it was dark in the room, which added to the atmosphere a bit. Most of us are pretty bad at it, but some people definitely were surprisingly talented when it came to bowling. I was pretty average at it. You know what they say... you're either good at bowling or you're good at sex ;) /s

I'm likely quite bad at both, so I don't know if what they say is true, but I guess I'll find out eventually.

I don't know if I've mentioned it yet on my website, but I was supposed to get a septum piercing yesterday, but the person who was supposed to do it cancelled because she was feeling quite ill, so do I feel a bit bad for complaining. My appointment is now scheduled two weeks from now, so let's hope things go smoothly this time! I really want to become an alt baddie, and this is the starting point I'm going for (the first step is to enjoy the music, but I've been doing that for years at this point). Eventually I want to get an actual sense of style, as I dress like a typical white boy and it makes me feel a bit gross sometimes. I want to be a stylish person, but I don't tend to go thrifting due to my area not having great thrift stores, and the lack of a vehicle to get me to good ones. I also need to hide my girl clothes, and DIY styling is a bit challenging when you're as incapable as I am.

Also, very unrelated, but I'm gonna be sober for a while, as I think that's best for my mental health!

I don't want to make this too long, so I'm just gonna end it here. I don't know when the next time I'll write a blog, hopefully it's a bit more distanced out than the past few have been, but who knows what wacky events might take place?

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