April 27th, 2025 - "Walk away as the door slams"

Before you call me cringe for the Lil Peep song being the quote, there's context to it later!!!! Don't judge me yet!

I haven't wrote a blog in quite some time now! It's simultaneously a good and a bad thing. The good side is that I'm not oversharing my business to the Internet, but the bad side is that I don't remember shit unless I write it down! To best of my ability I'm gonna recap how I've been doing the last few days.

This week mostly felt like sunshine and rainbows, which is very strange because I'm not used to that feeling AT ALL. I felt like I was a kid/before I was depressed at times, which was very crazy but also very relaxing. I didn't feel all the social anxiety and pressure, and I didn't have thoughts about my insecurities, which was quite nice.

The first big thing that happened was my radio station's Spring show last night, which was a pretty good time. I wasn't all that invested into it, as I didn't really care for 2/3 bands on the bill, but I still am glad I went. Recently, I've been making friends with more of the girls I know from the radio station, and it's done wonders for my mental health! I feel so respected and treated like I'm a "real" girl when I'm with them as opposed to feeling like an "other" like I normally do. I went with them to the spring show, and it was nice to vibe with them and have nice conversations.

On the way to the show, we were listening to the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack, which is not a musical I've seen, but I will say, the music goes pretty hard, and I felt like mentioning it.

We were a tad late to the show, so we missed a little bit of Happy Birthday, James, who was the Battle of the Bands winner previously if you remember that! This was the band I was honestly wanting to see, since I really think they have a great sound and I just genuinely enjoy their music.

I don't have too much to say about the rest of the show, but I do think the other bands that played were quite decent. They aren't really my preferred style of indie rock, but I still had a good time. It might have helped that I took a few hits from a joint in between sets! Yeah, I know, I'm evil and went back on what I said before when it came to swearing off drugs, but I don't care that much when it comes to weed. I enjoy how I feel when I'm on it, but it's not a feeling I'm constantly chasing or seeking, but it's fun to get a little high every now and then. I'm still swearing off alcohol until at least next semester, but generally speaking, I don't want to drink until I'm more mentally healthy.

Me and the girls didn't do much after the show, but I will say, I enjoyed hanging out with them in the car. We were going through our cringey songs in our Liked Songs playlists on Spotify, songs that we perhaps still bump to this day. This was the reason for me putting the Lil Peep song, and that's because we all found joy in our nostalgia over our Lil Peep phases, but also like nightcore and FNAF music, which was also quite funny to listen to in the car.

Today

The day of me writing this blog was also quite an interesting one, starting off very usually with a radio station meeting about the election going on for the chief administration of the radio station. Not gonna talk about this though. After the meeting, a friend of mine had asked if I wanted to go hiking since I told him I was interested going sometime, but I didn't think he was talking about today! I decided to tag along because I really wanted to, but I was not expecting that to be something I'd be doing today, since I've never gone on a formal hike before. Granted, this was less of a hike and more of a trail, but still, it was a lot of fun! A few of our friends that were going decided against it because of the rain, but jokes you fools, it barely rained and the rain ended very soon after we started! They missed out fr fr.

I definitely did enjoy the hike because I love going on walks, and I love going on walks through nature, and I love going on walks with friends, so I of course loved going on a walk through nature with friends. It was also nice because I don't typically talk to the other people who were going on the hike since I don't see them very often, so it was nice to get to know them and spend some time hanging out!

The only thing that bummed me out today was my mother being an ass to me again :D

I love when my mother tries to prevent me from having fun because I don't get to be her sweet little child who "spends time with the family" (my average time at home is spent by me bedrotting and being anti-social, just so you know). All I told my mom was that we were going to have our weekly family dinner a little later tonight because I was going hiking with friends, and she got pissed off at me. The actual fucking audacity of her is insane. I got snippy with her, which I regret only a little, but more so because of where she took it afterward. She proceeded to complain that I'm "not spending much time with my family" and that "I always am spending time with my friends", like yeah. You're right. That's true. I don't want to go home to be misgendered and deadnamed, and treated like I'm not an adult, but a small child that is completely dependent on them. It is belittling, and I much prefer spending time with my friends for obvious reasons. My mom cannot reasonably get angry with me over me wanting to SPEND TIME WITH MY FRIENDS. She wants so much from me, in terms of self-improvement, but when I actually start improving myself, she throws a fit because I didn't do it her way (by doing fuck all and pretending the problem was never there in the first place).

Believe it or not, we had dinner anyway. She seemed like she was pissed off at me the entire dinner too. She couldn't really hide that from me. She tends to be good at faking, but I could see through her tonight. I thought that bringing up that I had fun and I enjoyed the hike would make her realize she was overreacting and that truly she wants me to enjoy life and be the best me, but turns out, she can't let go of a grudge no matter what. I believe that my mother loves me less and less every time that I see her. She doesn't see me as a person, but rather as property, and it pisses me off to an extent unbeknownst to me.

Whatever, I don't want to end this on a bad note, but I just got pissed myself off again by remembering how my conversation between my mom and I went.

One positive thing is that my youngest brother accidentally stumbled into the fact that I'm trans by finding an account of mine... He's supportive, he has many trans friends and he's queer himself, and I made sure that he wasn't going to tell anybody about it.

Wish I could end this on a more positive note, but I kinda made myself too mad to really come up with a conclusion. I enjoyed the show last night and I enjoyed the hike very much, but I can't help but always focus on the negative :(

<3 back to home page