July 25th, 2025 - "Failing, flailing"

A new entry has been long overdue. I forgot that it kind of takes not having depression and having a lot of drive to have real motivation to do things you wanna do. Idk. I've wanted to work on a lot of things when it comes to this website and everytime I get an idea, I am unable to work on the site due to external circumstances, or I just generally can't get myself to do it.

I've started journaling again.

I think it really helps with me not ranting about every detail going on in my life and general schizo-ranting I end up doing on the Internet. If I just write everything down I need to get out into a journal, then nobody has to see it.

The main reason I stopped journaling was because I couldn't help but cringe at my thought process. I would only ever write about the things I was feeling upset about, and I feel I always focus on the non-issues. My depression would also get so bad that I wouldn't have the motivation to do it, or the opposite would be the case and I would be feeling a bit better but I would write in it every day anyway. I have a love-hate relationship with journaling. I also cannot stand doing it while typing because it stops being freewriting and starts forming into me composing my random ADHD thoughts onto a page with constant editing. In my opinion, proper journaling needs to be done with pen and paper, in some indie ass notebook. Personally, I use one of those "Decomposition Notebooks" that are the composition notebooks that you find in America, but fully recycled paper. I think it's cool, and I got it a couple years ago at a local nature-type shop by a private school that my friend's siblings went to. It's a nice vibe in my opinion.

Honestly, the last paragraph is sorta what I mean by "I can't journal by typing it out" because it just ends up being run-on sentences on me being autistic. There's nothing wrong with that, it just doesn't fill my need of how to get my thoughts out on to paper.

I'll just use the rest of this blog to catch my loyal blog readers up on what has been going on in my life. I've been employed for two months at this point. My job is easy as hell, except when it isn't. I just do to-go shopping for customers. They order stuff online, and we shop the order for them, and then they come at a specific time and we bring it out to their car. That's essentially what it is, with a lot more complications than you would expect, but it overall is simple enough for an ape to understand. I get employment now though. Like, not gonna lie, I always had job anxiety because work is something I need to do, but my autistic ass gets overstimulated very easily (and it happens A LOT on the job, especially when working in a grocery store and you have a fear of crowded spaces!), and my depression makes it difficult to motivate myself to do the things I need to do. Like, with education with me, in middle school and high school, I loathed being there so much, and I just couldn't motivate myself to try, but I'm just so good at it that I didn't need to. And you don't need to have an outgoing personality and look like you love being there in school, but for a job that's all about presentation, you need to do your best to do those things.

I do fine with my job I think. I'm treated as most 19-year-olds are treated in retail I think. I'm jsut really bad at social cues, and I think that's where my downfall is.

Other than that though, I've been hanging out with my friends back home more often. I want to come out to them so bad, but the moment I felt the most confidence to actually tell them I'm trans, they all went away!!! Like, my best friend and his girlfriend went to Seattle for a week, and my other close friend went on a random road trip in the same week. Now I'm not feeling so confident and they're back now. Dammit.

I feel like I get some sort of seasonal depression during summer of all months somehow. Maybe it's just the isolation from other people that causes it, because having a part-time job definitely doesn't get me the sociability I need. My motivation just plummets, and I just want to stay inside and be alone for a while.

I will say, the isolation does give me some clarity. It doesn't help me not feel lonely, but I realized that dating apps are fucking evil and not the route I should ever be thinking of doing. I don't know what came over me, maybe desperation, but I got on dating apps like a month before the semester ended and now I'm just weirded out by it. I think dating apps might be one of the most evil modern day inventions /s. I could probably do a whole rant on this website dedicated to just that. I won't though, not yet. I just felt like this is a semi-important update. I've had Hinge paused for two months and just decided to finally delete it. People who don't really know me too well probably don't think this is huge, but for those that really do, bettering myself intentionally is quite difficult.

I also am a unit at listening to music now. God, I remember two summers ago failing at my challenge to listen to one album a day. Now I listen to a lot more than that! Maybe it's just because it's my one way to get some alone time and get lost in sound, or maybe because I have music autism and just love compiling lists of music and filling them up with stuff I listen to. I've always loved that actually. Long before I was on albumoftheyear or rateyourmusic, I would make Google Docs filled with albums that I was listening to, and I would make playlists on Spotify and YouTube of releases I wanted to listen to. I eventually caved and made an AOTY account in 2022 because I felt like it was a cool way to compile music that I heard and rate it. I waited a while before going on RYM because I disliked how it looked, felt like the people on it were awful and evil, and I prefered the rating system on AOTY. These days I'm conflicted on what I like more.

This isn't the best summary of what the last two months have entailed, but I was supposed to make more of these over the summer, but stuff happens I guess. I'm definitely looking forward to going back to college in the fall, and start studying some stuff I actually care about. Yippee.

P.S., I plan on becoming a loser at some point and binging everything related to Star Wars for no reason at all. I also want to watch the entirety of Twin Peaks and get around to finishing my Dune book that I've been reading since the end of high school. I just finished book 2 of the first one, so I'm almost done with it! Only like 200 something pages to go.

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