ADHD (Day of rant: March 4th, 2025)

Look, I'm supposed to be writing a paper for my creative writing class, but well, you read the name of the rant. I am not diagnosed (currently working on it), but there is a 0% chance I don't have ADHD, I'm literally getting diagnosed so I can get medicated. I literally cannot do work that I don't want to do. I didn't realize that most other people don't have that problem. They may be reluctant, but they can still do work that they don't want to do. However, in my case, I feel like I literally have to go through Hell to even write a few sentences, let alone three more pages. I like writing stories typically, I just don't like the one I'm writing right now. I like writing about stuff like this, so I could spend hours doing this. However, I need to go back to my work, but I feel like I need breaks in between every single sentence. It's very annoying and I can't even force myself to do it.

Another element of ADHD I very much have is my inability to conceptualize time. Thirty minutes can feel like an instance, or a year-long chore, just depending on the activity. While that's the case with other people, I mean literally, I will blink and 30 minutes will have passed and I haven't done anything, or I will be actively trying to get myself to do something and that 30 minutes will feel like my entire lifetime, no exaggeration.

I also find that I tend to think several thoughts all at once, especially when I'm alone/trying to go to sleep. I will have several different things going on in my head, whether it be thinking of conversations, what I'm doing tomorrow, what work I need to get done, it's always all at the same time. I then forget literally everything I just thought of, like actually what the hell?

I don't know if this has something to do with ADHD as well, but I really don't tend to miss people. It really feels like an out of site out of mind situation, where if I don't see someone for a while, I literally forget they exist. It doesn't matter how close they are to me, if I don't think of them for a while, they completely leave my headspace for a really long time, until they contact me in some way. This is not the case for some individuals, but that's a story for another time.

My dad also has diagnosed ADD, and I'm pretty sure that can be passed through genetically, so in all honesty, it's very likely. I also realize I've definitely been hard on my youngest brother for not doing something that I want him to do (check out an album or something), and I'm realizing that from his perspective, forcing himself to do something he doesn't want is a nightmarish activity, even though it's something I hyperfixate on. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for listening to music, but when I am, I could listen to 3-4 albums in one sitting and feel perfectly content with myself.

I also strive to "lock in", but I literally can't!!!! When people say they are just going to lock in and do some work, I think in my head, isn't doing literally anything else better than doing work? I always find something else I could be doing that is actually stimulating, but others can just handle the task at hand like it's nothing.

All in all, ADHD is really annoying and I NEED meds for this.

<3 back to home page